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I am a Garbage Plate

Mustard, ketchup, onions, and beef,
hot sauce, baked beans, and toasted buns:

I am a garbage plate.
Tomatoes and lettuce and sweet relish:

I am a garbage plate.
Hot dogs and sausage, mac salad and cheese,
French fried potatoes and coleslaw:

I am a garbage plate.

by Cara Shulman

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Originally from Canandaigua, NY, Cara Shulman received her B.A. in professional writing from SUNY Cortland. Currently going wherever the wind takes her, Cara enjoys hiking, traveling, editing, and playing her ukulele, though she strongly dislikes bubble baths. You can check out the online satire newspaper she co-founded at cortlandpotato.tumblr.com or send her fan mail at caradshulman@gmail.com.

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Children's Books Written by the Sand People in Star Wars

Green RRAAGGHHHHH!!!! and Ham

Where the Wild Things RRAAGGGHHHH!!

James and the RRRAAGGGHH!!!! Peach

Tales of the Fourth Grade RRAAGGHHHH!!

Mrs. Frisby and the RRAAGGHHHHH!!! of NIMH

The Lion, the Witch, and the RRAGGHHHH!!

by Jonathan Shipley

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Jonathan Shipley lives with his wonderful daughter in Seattle. He's written for such varied publications as The Los Angeles TimesVenuszineDiner JournalFine Books & Collections MagazineMcSweeney's Internet Tendency, and Welding and Cutting Magazine. Seriously, he once wrote some homoerotic welding poetry for the trade journal. He was shocked they actually published the stuff! Jonathan is really skinny and pretty bald.

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Biblical Themed Horror Movies

The Garden of Bleedin'

The Ark of the Coven

40 Days and 40 Frights

The Blood-Thirsty Apostle

Slain and Able

Give us this Day our Daily Dead

Gold, Frankincense, and Murder

Lazarus Returns, with a Vengeance

The Kingdom, and the Power, and the Gory, Forever

The Dead Sea

Thou Shalt Murder

I Know what You did Last Supper

by Jonathan Shipley

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Jonathan Shipley lives with his wonderful daughter in Seattle. He's written for such varied publications as The Los Angeles Times, Venuszine, Diner Journal, Fine Books & Collections Magazine, McSweeney's Internet Tendency, and Welding and Cutting Magazine. Seriously, he once wrote some homoerotic welding poetry for the trade journal. He was shocked they actually published the stuff! Jonathan is really skinny and pretty bald.

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How Do I Loathe Me?

How do I loathe me? Let me count the ways.
I loathe me in the dark and baneful night,
My soul reaching, and groping for the light
Of Meaning, Purpose, end to endless chase.
I loathe me to the level of every day's
Most wretched wrong I cannot set aright.
I loathe me constantly, as days turn to night;
I loathe me truly, knowing all's false praise.
I loathe me seeing I am of no use,
Insufferable, dull, crude, without faith.
I loathe me with conviction I don't lose
When I smile, laugh—I loathe me with each breath.
All my life is self-sore!—and, if I choose,
I shall loathe me no more with selfless death.

by Brook J. Sadler

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Brook J. Sadler is a mammal, a biped, an herbivore, living in the Holocene epoch. She is tallish, thinish, grayish, smartish, and pricklish. More introvert and ectomorph than the reverse, she prefers pencils to all the alternatives. She cannot tell jadeite from nephrite, and occasionally confuses homonyms. She does not smoke, but sometimes fumes. Philosopher and poet, she is a hybrid. Professor and mother and one-time dancer, she's kinda weird.