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13-23



The Marital Machinations of King Henry, Number Eight

One queen.
Two queen.
Dead queen.
New queen.

This one cannot have a son
So she is replaced with another one.
This one—well, the Pope's incapacitated,
But eventually she is decapitated.

This one finally has little Edward.
Sadly she gets sick and is soon sent dead-ward.
This one is German, and certainly smart,
But her pockmarked face doesn't warm the king's heart.

This one was pretty, Henry thought she was swell...
Until she had two affairs and killed her off as well.
This one outlived him (for once, a wife stayed safe!),
Taught him social skills and sealed England's fate.

Catherine of Aragon,
Annulled and abandoned.
Anne Boleyn after,
Accused almost as random.

Jane Seymour next.
A former lady-in-waiting.
Anne of Cleves, then,
A real friend of the king.

Catherine Howard,
Who was second-to-last,
And Catherine Parr,
Survived—though Henry passed.

Henry liked girls who had certain names.
Three Catherines, two Annes, though only one Jane.
His daughters' names were equally British:
Elizabeth and Mary, one loud and one skittish.

Henry VIII was a rather big man
Whose family rarely got in on his game plan.
Edward was sickly and died, far too frail,
Leaving Mary and Elizabeth, who were—ugh!—female.

But that's not the story we want to tell.
Let's get back to Henry, let's run pell-mell.
His life was complicated, and so were his wives.
Two annulled, two divorced, and two sent to die.

When he divorced Mary's mother, boy, was she mad;
After Anne Boleyn's death, poor Liz was left sad.
The last Catherine helped the three to reconcile,
But no one really forgot that Henry was vile.

This was the strange tale of King Henry, number eight,
A man who ate everything they'd put on his plate.
He liked his wives pretty, he liked them obedient.
When they rebelled, he found his threats were expedient.

Catherine of Aragon,
Catholic, devout.
Anne Boleyn after,
Drove Catholicism out.

Jane Seymour next,
Who bore him a son.
Anne of Cleves, then,
A platonic loved one.

Catherine Howard,
Who was a little too friendly,
And Catherine Parr,
The last of this medley.


by Adriana Tosun

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Adriana Tosun used to live on a boat. Now she lives in Paris and has indoor plumbing, which hopefully means she's moving up in the world. Her work has been published in Defenestration Magazine, Cannoli Pie Magazine, Corvus Magazine, and (the sadly defunct) Divine Dirt Quarterly, which means she occasionally likes to toss her hair back and claim superiority over all her friends.

13-22



Nice Try for a Jedi

My wookie is infested with fleas
which is unnerving because now he needs a bath
And wookies don't like water
Last time, it took all my force to get him into the tub
What made it worse was that the soap gave him a rash
Hypoallergenic shampoo is not cheap
Recently, I noticed he was scratching
Scratching so much that the sound of scratching wookie hair was all I could hear
I had to max out the volume on my Skywalkman to drown out the noise
but it didn't help

I must blame myself to some extent for this misfortune
As much as I warned my wookie to stay Endors, I have been taking him to the park on sunny warm afternoons.
I thought getting a wookie would be a great way to pick up women
Women are always in the park
Sadly, the only thing my wookie picked up in the park were parasites
Again, it is partly my fault since asking women, "Would you like to pet my wookie?"
only gets awkward stares

The Internet said getting a pet is a great way to meet women
It failed to mention that wookies may not be the best option
My wookie finds it humiliating being on a leash
which is understandable since he stands 3 feet taller than me
But, it is the county law and he doesn't have a job to pay the fine
And I can't afford both a ticket and flea shampoo.

In retrospect, purchasing a wookie was probably a misjudgment
They are a lot more work than I thought they would be
I think mainly due to the fact that they are self-sufficient and independent
My wookie does not like me feeding him from a bowl on the floor
Instead, he prefers sitting at the table and eating with utensils
Normally, I wouldn't mind but my mother told me it is wrong to let your pet eat at the table
But it is not easy to get a wookie to do something he doesn't want to
Hence, my struggles with giving him a bath

The expensive allergy shampoo has not worked
What it has done is warp his hair turning him into a giant fur ball
I also believe the fleas have begun multiplying at an alarming rate
After further research, it seems that I am going to be forced to completely shave my wookie
I have a strong feeling he is not going to like that idea
He has been working out a lot more, so his strength is a concern to me
As there is already a tendency to lift me up by my shirt collar when we have disagreements
Regret over my purchase is starting to settle in now
The buyer's remorse

I should have opted for the mogwai

by Adam Solomon

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Adam Solomon knew he made the right move when he spent the last year of his college career writing comedy. He also knew his years of watching movies would benefit him in the American workplace. Adam tries to live everyday like the daily edition of The Far Side. He also likes alliteration and random sentences.